Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
