o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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