I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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