dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
