I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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