You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.