she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
