I'm so fucking centered right now
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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