I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
