it's not cheating when I paid for it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
