for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
