Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
