im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
thus making me awesome and them whores
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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