shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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