I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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