thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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