I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
