The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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