I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
