john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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