drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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