Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
