dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
