The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The Olympian is in my bed
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
