I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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