tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
