The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
