he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
