i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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