just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
