if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
