ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
