Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
