How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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