***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
