I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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