someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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