I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
