so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
