I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
