I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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