Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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