Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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