my phone needs a breathalizer
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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