i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
