Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize