I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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