if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
