I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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