I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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