Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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