There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
