I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
