I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
