I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
