I have demons in me.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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