After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
