I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
